Once again, I have reviewed this film previously as a guest reviewer at www.badmovies.org. But come on! This is Mitchell! How can I not review it twice. Not familiar with Mitchell, the subject of the greatest MST3k episode of all time? (Prince of Space is in a close second.) Well, this is the stories of a fat lazy disgusting detective who spends half the movie sitting outside Martin Balsam’s house. This movie is kind of odd, because while it’s boring it’s also full of stuff so shocking you have to rewind! And it’s weird: Though Mitchell is completely unlikable, I almost want to see him in another film. He’s almost like the anti-Ash (re: Evil Dead). Ash is the epitome of what is likeable about macho men (stupid yet lovable, and charismatic). Ash is Indiana Jones, the Three Stooges (minus Joe Besser) and John Wayne all rolled into one and with any of their femininity drained away. Nothing but prime cut man. Mitchell is all man, like Ash, but he represents the worst aspects of man: He’s Stanley from A Streetcar Named Desire, a whiny 9 year old and a morbidly obese Marlon Brando, minus their combined charisma. He’s the fat and gristle of mankind. Unrepentant of his cruel, sick ways, Mitchell is just so compelling because you never know what this bastard will do next.

But maybe I’m overselling it. It is pretty boring for the most part.

I think that it’s weird that Mitchell only gets mild flack from his superiors over these acts of criminal violence, and that the man should have been fired 20 times over. Despite this, Mitchell is also a violent movie when it’s not boring. And not violent in the way I like. He disembowels a henchman with a hook, shoots one guy in the leg for reasons unknown, slams one guy's hand in a car door and has sex with Linda Evans, which is really an act of violence against all of the viewers. Shudder. He has sex with this prostitute (Linda Evans) that was intended as a bribe, then arrests her for possession of weed. Twice. He makes a fragile old woman who was somehow caught up in a drug scam walk home (it’s meaner looking when you see it). A lot of things he does with a tired whiny half-assed attitude that I can’t really describe very well, but trust me, you’ll understand what I mean when you see the man. It should also be noted that this movie was edited for TV, which makes the movie shorter, yet leaves out extremely important plot points like the fate of John Saxon’s character (this version was used on MST3k). As a result the plot is even more confused and uninteresting than before. Still it’s shorter, and that’s a plus. However, it also means that one of the most memorable scenes was taken out: Mitchell is attacked by John Saxon and a henchman in a dune buggy. Mitchell survives, sadly, and brutally murders the buggy enthusiasts, making me think that we are supposed to root for the drug lords and Mitchell is the real fat, gluttonous, slimy, drunk sleazy villain. Any thing more I could say about Mitchell would be redundant, but I will tell you that Mitchell is the most fun to watch if you have enough fat jokes to lob at the screen. If you don’t, just stay the Hell away.

Little did I realize what a sanitizing effect the MST3K cast had on this movie. Watching it in its original form, I have come to realize that Mitchell himself is the worst man in the entire world.

He's certainly the worst cop in the entire world. Beyond the drunken slobbishness we all laughed at in the MST3K edit, Mitchell's full, violent underbelly has been revealed to me. At one point, while roughing up a guy in a driveway, Mitchell kicks a car door closed straight on the poor guy's hand. Just KICK! BAM! YOU HAVE NO HAND ANYMORE! DON'T FUCK WITH MITCHELL! I mean, jesus. Was that really necessary? I say no! Mitchell is a jerk!

Later, as Mitchell is being chased by two guys on dune buggies, one guy loses his balance and falls off. Now Mitchell is ostensibly a trained police officer. He should have plenty of techniques with which he could easily and safely subdue a prone man. But what does he do? He freaks out and grabs a great big rock and starts bashing the guy's head in! Jesus, Mitchell! Is that all you could think of? You're supposed to be the good guy, for god's sake! Just WHAM! WHAM! YOU HAVE NO HEAD ANYMORE! DON'T FUCK WITH MITCHELL!

Needless to say, Mitchell is no longer the good-time it used to be, and now leaves me feeling morally disturbed.

The story is about four kids traveling around looking for interesting roadside attractions or some such thing. Instead they come across Captain Spaulding’s gasoline and chicken, which they seem to feign interest in rather well. Eventually it leads them to search for the final resting place of hometown serial killer Dr. Satan, but they end up the prisoners of a seriously fucked up serial killer family, that seems to be a low rent version of the serial killer family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the original). It’s all pretty gross, but not really that entertaining, because of the fact that everyone in the film is pretty annoying.

A third part of the way into the film, we gave up and started trying to read the Spanish subtitles and listen to the commentary that Rob has for the film. He’s a rather calm and polite sounding individual, and probably easy to get along with, from the sounds of it. I can already imagine him crossing his leg with a cup of coffee in hand as he explains what has been carved into the chests of various cheerleaders. It’s a darn shame that his movie’s shit.

The final act, which features three of the kids led through a underground pit of killers, is just bizarre and inexplicable. Then we get Dr. Satan and his axe wielding assistant who look like two particularly lame monsters from the game Doom. And if that wasn’t enough the film ends with “The End?” Apparently this wasn’t due to indecisiveness on the part of Rob Zombie, but rather because he has a sequel planned. Which is a shame, cause I’m having a hard enough time finding things to talk about in the first one. Sure it was unsettling, but strangely enough, it was also boring. So since I’m having a hard time finding things about this film to remember and say in paragraph form, Ill just be lazy and move quickly to point form:

· There’s this creepy old guy in the film with HUGE mutton chops. I swear, nature did not intend there to be mutton chops of such a caliber.

· Keith’s friend Matt came in as we were watching and imitated the flirtatious laugh of the annoying villain named Baby. Now, I knew it may cost me my credibility as a homosexual (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but I had to admit that Matt’s laugh was kinda sexy. Then Keith admitted it. Then silence...

· The toe truck wasn’t that cool.

· Everything that family did screamed serial killer. So why did it take them so long to get the hint.

· That wasn’t the longest hour and a half in my life. But it was pretty long.

And maybe it was. I dunno. I just couldn't pay attention. I couldn't remember anybody's name, I couldn't figure out what anybody was trying to accomplish, the whole thing was kind of a blur. It was like one of those pictures where the eyes follow you across the room, only the opposite. This picture never looked you in the eye, no matter how hard you tried. You could grab it by the shoulders and shake it around and say, "Look at me, picture! Dammit, look at me! Pay attention to my needs! Give me what I want! GIVE ME ONE THOUSAND CORPSES! NO MORE, AND NO LESS! I WANT ONE THOUSAND!!"

But it didn't. It just did its own thing, almost as though it were unaware of the audience entirely. I got the distinct feeling that this movie truly didn't care whether I was watching it or not. And granted, there were quite a few corpses. Certainly not a thousand, but a respectable number. Unfortunately, very few of them were in the house itself. Perhaps he meant to call it House That Caused A Thousand Corpses. Or maybe the House of a Thousand Corpses was down the road, and they drove past it during the movie's opening moments. That's definitely possible.

There were some laughs, though. About halfway through we got bored of the movie and started listening intermittently to the commentary track. At one point we switched over just in time to hear Mr. Zombie say, in a very conversational tone and referring to an on-screen tow truck, "Now that was a cool tow truck."

I guess you can't really argue with that.

{This interview was conducted at Mr. Zombie's hyper-modern office building. We conversed over his stylish glass coffee table.)

Keith M: Mr. Zombie, is it true that you may make another movie someday?

Mr. Zombie (sipping his coffee): Mm. Maybe.

Keith M: Thank you, Mr. Zombie. It's been a pleasure.

Mr. Zombie: Mmyes. Likewise.