So I thought, what if someone were to make a show like that? Totally normal, totally straight-faced, no reference made to the fact that every chick was a big-titted sexy babe, but cast nothing but big-titted babes. I bet people would be upset about it. Well, not people, women. But you could argue your counter-case totally legitmately. So what if all the girls have big boobs? Maybe it's just random chance. Maybe that's just the way all these girls are. Some girls do have big boobs, and the law of averages dictates that you're eventually going to find an entire city in which all the women are bovine milk sluts. Probability tells us it's not likely, but it could happen. So what's there to get upset about? Suck it down, you mammary-deficient harpies.

I was gonna write about Boys. I get easily distracted by the topic of tits, 'cause they're a lot more interesting than this dumb-ass movie. Now I'm demoralizing myself. This seemed like a good idea when I started. So let's read the movie box! That'll re-energize me!

One sentence in, and already with the goddamn lies.

Who the fuck writes this shit? That "-- and a terrible secret --" part is worthy of a kick right in the box. Jesus. I try not to be cynical, but everyone in the world is talentless and imbecilic. And I'm not presuming that it's a woman who wrote it by saying the perpetrator should be kicked in the box, I just know that whatever man might have written that doesn't actually have a dick. I could write better stuff by slapping my cock against a keyboard. Or by slapping my cock across the face of my typist and telling him to write some shit with his elbows.

How can somebody just spout shit like that? It's incredible. They always try to make movies sound like they'll appeal to everyone. That's not even close to the case. It should have said "Hey, are you one random guy who thinks Lukas Haas is cool and wants to fuck Winona Ryder in the tits? Then this one's for you! And you still probably won't like it!" All I'm asking for is a little honesty. Movie boxes and film trailers never get the tone of a movie right. It should be like making a tiny film, or writing a miniscule short story. They should be trying to get across the atmosphere of a movie, and they fail every time. Pulp Fiction had a good trailer. I think that was the only movie in history that did. And box copy is just pure fucking garbage. The Professional has a quote right on the front that says, "Makes Speed look like a slow ride to Grandma's house!" Speed? Grandma's house?? What the fuck are they talking about!?! That doesn't even make goddamn sense!!!

The tagline for Boys is "No one stays innocent forever", and it's labelled as a "thriller". It ain't. This is one slow-paced, mostly eventless movie. I know this is not making a very strong case for the film, but bear with me. I just wanna get the crap out of the way before I unearth the gold.

The basic premise of this movie is that Winona hangs out with Lukas in his boys-school dorm room, because she's hiding out from the cops. Her character is named "Patty Vare", but I'm just gonna call her Winona. Turns out the big mystery as to why she's hiding out is that she was in a car crash the night before and a guy died, though it wasn't her fault. Wow. Who fucking cares? They keep flashing back to this stupid subplot, on which the entire movie hinges, and when it's finally fully revealed no one gives a shit. So that's one of the big problems with the movie right there. "On The Run From A Secret Past... With Nowhere Left To Turn!" Did these people even watch this fucking movie?

Now that we've got the chaff out of the way, let me set the scene for the film's sweet, sweet wheat. Or grain. I am not a farmer.

This movie takes place at an all-boys boarding school, like I said, if you were paying attention, which you probably weren't, and every kid in this movie is named John. I didn't notice that at first, but it's true, and it's awesome. Let us meet the Johns, now, shall we, now?

The movie starts with a sherrif knocking on Winona's door. He asks her if she had anything to do with some a-doings a-transpiring the night before. Mysterious doings that we know are nothing but a stupid car crash that nobody cares about. So Winona gives him the shake and goes out to have a ride on her horse and falls off, knocking herself unconscious way out in a field somewhere. Cue the Lukas.

Lukas/Baker reads a cool ass gory story to his writing professor, and his prof is a cock like all profs and tells Baker to redo it. Man, fuck that guy. I hate goddamn professors. Baker talks back a little and after class he, Phillips and Van Slieder complain about the shittiness of school. Baker decides he's gonna skip that class tomorrow. Fuck yeah. With a rebel yell, young man.

The three Johns walk across the school yard, and they look cool. Then they walk into the lunchroom, and they look rad. They own this fucking place. Fuck yeah.

Cooke shows up and says he needs Baker to grab the school car, because he and Murphy found a lady out in a field somewhere while cutting some shitty class. Baker doesn't get what the fuck Cooke is talking about, but steals the school car anyway. He's got nothing else going on besides skipping classes and mouthing off at teachers, and maybe smoking.

They join up with Murphy out in a field and run across it to an unconscious Winona as a cloud rolls by overhead, bathing the scene in cool looking light, and it's cool. Baker then sees the unconscious Winona and immediately realizes he wants to fuck her.

Murphy thinks this whole thing is pretty fucked up. He says they should get Noni to a hospital instead of standing around undressing her with their eyes all day. Baker is thinking about how he'd undress her for real if the fucking 8th graders weren't around, and Cooke stands there undressing Baker with his eyes.

Winona wakes up just long enough to tell them not to take her to the hospital before passing out again, so they decide to take her back to school, even though Murphy thinks that's a stupid goddamn idea. They carry her to the car and once she's in the backseat Baker starts fondling her teeth. That's pretty weird, but I thought it was pretty hot. Clearly the finger was a stand in for the hard dick he'd be rubbing against her teeth were the scenario real.

Back at school Phillips, Van Slieder and Heinz are in Baker's room getting stoned. Baker gets pissed and boots their asses out, and they're a little surprised since they're all friends, but not too surprised because they're all enemies. After knocking over Heinz's drug paraphenalia, Heinz utters the classic line, "Hey, man. That was a my shit." They make fun of Cooke for a little while for being such an 8th grade bitch, then take off.

I'm gonna include quotes from the movie, but I never got around to transcribing them all exactly. So they might not be totally accurate, but if you notice then you are sad.

Phillips gives the best looks of incredulity at Baker's hot and coldness. I don't know who this guy is, but he should get more work. Him and that kid from Mr. Show who said "They gave me a beer and some frozen peas." That kid cracked me up until I shit myself.

Murphy has been guarding the car and is pissed at how long they took to clear the path. Then he tells them to fuck off and goes to dinner. He's so tired of their fucking bull-shit. I love Murphy. What an angry little bastard.

Baker and Cooke get Winona into the room and take off her boots, so she'll be more "comfortable". Baker would have taken off her blouse, but goddamn Cooke is there staring over his shoulder like some kinda goddamn dog. Noni's ID falls out of her boot and Cooke tries to read it, but he's a dyslexic retard, so it goes kinda slow. They find out she's 25 and named Patty Vare. The older lady. Oh yeah.

Baker goes to the bathrooom for some reason, maybe to deal with his piss hard-on, and Noni wakes up. Cooke runs to get Baker, and when Baker comes back Winona is awake. She tells them she doesn't wanna go to the infirmary.

Real helpful there, Baker. Winona is still worried about going out and confronting her "mysterious past", so she hangs out with the boys for awhile. Baker tells Cooke to go get her some food and to get the fuck out of his room. Finally, Cooke leaves. Cha-ching.

Baker starts questioning Noni about her shady past, all wide eyed and excited. Little does he know that the truth is boring and pointless. Lukas and Winona both have giant, tractor beam eyes, and once they lock onto each other they can't pull away. They draw each other in. All the chemistry they got is in the eyes, but it pulled me in, too. I can't even blink.

Winona says she didn't kill anybody or do anything exciting, and apologizes for being a disapointment. "Don't apologize," Baker says, his tractor beam eyes on full power. "You're not a disappointment."

He asks her name and out of the side of her mouth she says, "Louise." Bwaha. He glances at her ID and they both know that she's full of shit. And that's really the height of logical moments they share together.

There's a knock at the door and it's that little shit Murphy. He threatens to break Noni's cover, so Baker finally lets him in. Murphy is a super pimp, way better than Baker. He sits right down and starts hitting on her. He asks her her name and she glances at Baker, then says, "Louise." Ahaha! Seriously, I think that's great.

Everyone says "Dude" a lot in his movie, but Murphy always says it derisively, like he's making fun of the other Johns. It's awesome.

Murphy offers her a cigarette and Baker finally drags him out. Baker pushes him against a wall and Murphy accuses Baker of just wanting to fuck her. Then Marco the bitch shows up and Murphy gets him to run for help. Then, like the jerky little bastard Murphy is, he takes great relish in telling Baker that he's "so booted, dude."

Outside, Phillips and Van Slieder meet Cooke returning from the caf with some soup. They trick him into tellin them what's going on by saying stuff like:

To which, being a brainiac, Cooke replies:

Whoops. Now they know. Fucking Cooke. And on top of that, the spastic fuck drops the soup. What a shithead.

Baker takes Winona to the bathroom where she checks herself out and shows some sexy backskin. Granted I'm a little puritanical, but that gave me a raging hard on.

Baker is standing guard outside the bathroom but sees Phillips and Van Slieder heading toward his room. He gets a passing Jonathan Marco to guard the door for him while he follows them to his room for a showdown. Marco, being a jelly fish, kind of goes along with this mysterious door-guarding detail, but does worry that someone might have to go in and might shit on his head when denied entry.

There's this great scene in Baker's room where the two tipped-off Johns ask him where the girl is. He plays dumb and they say "I bet she's in the bathroom." Being swift, Baker says, "Go and check." So they say "I bet she's outside!" and he fidgits and says "She's not outside." And then they say "We're checking outside!" YES! HAHA! THAT IS MISDIRECTION, MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLES!!!

The atmosphere of the school at night is really great, too. It has this really good lived-in feel. A couple times I actually forgot I was watching a movie and thought I was really a teen living in a school boarding house. I was worried about the quiz in spanish the next day, since I never studied.

Winona in the bathroom flashes back to her boring goddamn car crash. She reminisces about the way she came home after the car had crashed into a lake and didn't even take off her wet clothes before getting into bed. Goddammit Winona, that is such bullshit. Just show me your tits already. Anyway, back in the present she freaks out and pulls the toothbrush rack down and makes a lotta noise. Marco can't resist anymore and peeks in the door and totally sees her as Baker rushes down the hall to the rescue. Marco, having seen a woman besides the lunch lady, runs away hopping and screaming "Yip! Yip! Yip!"

Noni is dizzy and hot, so when Cooke runs in like a lapdog Baker sends him for a blanket. Then Baker wraps her in the blanket and attempts to conceal his boner. Cooke is transfixed by Noni's boobies, and Baker tells him to go get a shirt. Baker then starts removing Noni's shirt, and that is just great. Winona in a bra, that is HOT!! That's good, good stuff. So Cooke comes back with a shirt and Baker helps her put it on. That is so great. That is what I wanna do with Winona Ryder. Help her try on shirts. Like a doll. WHOO HAA! HOT!!

They go back to Baker's room, where she decides that she's too hot and takes the shirt off again. Just then Phillips and Van Slieder stroll by Baker's room and very reasonably ask "What the fuck!?" Quick-acting Baker locks them all out, including that little shit-billy Cooke.

Just then that stoner Heinz walks down the hall and utters his best lines. "Hey guys, the bathroom's trashed," he says, sounding kinda happy. Then, looking a little worried, he appends, "Why's the bathroom trashed?" GOLD.

So Phillips calls through the door, "Hey Baker! Why's the bathroom trashed?" And that's when Baker gets his most excellent lines in the whole movie. He leans against his door, looking at Winona, and says, "I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here so much." You gotta see it to understand, but it's gnarlsome. Then he ducks out the door to deal with the Johns.

He locks his door before anyone can go in and walks down the hall, Cooke, Phillips, Van Slieder and Heinz in tow. Then the weirdest conversation takes place.

I heard that this movie originally had a higher rating, and that they decided to tone it down. I even heard a rumour that Noni was supposed to show her tits. They never filmed that, but they did film this argument scene between Baker and Phillips with robust dialogue, which then had to be overdubbed. Or "looped", as you movie geek assholes would say. Go write a review of Monkey Trouble on the imdb, why don't you? Make sure to point out the poor direction and muddy script.

Phillips wants to know what's going on with the girl, and is really pissed that Baker won't tell him. "You have to tell us, you don't have a choice!"

"Are you threatinging me?" Baker says with his best crazy eyes, which are still strangly laid back. Good old Lukas. "Don't threaten me!"

"But I'm your best friend!" Phillips whines, and Baker says, "Pshaw. Not hardly."

So Phillips gets real pissed and punches the shit out of the wall! Bam! And that's when the overdubbing gets all crazy.

What they say is something along these lines:

I love that "thank you" line -- Phillips yells it right in Baker's face, and it's just a weird and neat thing to say. But I think the original line was much less clever, because by reading lips, I have determined that the original scene went more like this:

Not quite the same, is it? I like the toned down version. Also, with the looping, they talk like Godzilla, and that makes it extra great. GOJIRA! YAAAIII!!

Baker returns to his room with a soda, the soda that his enemy-friend Phillips' hand had to die for. While he was gone Noni borrowed some pants and sneakers and is really sweet all of a sudden. Oh man, that's hot. The only thing better than dressing Noni in your clothes is when she does it voluntarily. You know, without all those ropes and lawsuits.

More awesome dialogue!

I'm not kidding, I love shit like that. That is awesome. I wish I'd written that. Well, I did write that, but I mean originally.

Then Baker leaves again to go clean up the bathroom with the everpresent Cooke. Murphy barges in, wearing his street clothes. It's weird to see the most hardcore member of the cast being the only one in casual clothes.

Murphy is gold in this scene. "Everybody knows, dude! Even Marco saw her!" to which Baker nonchalantly replies, "Marco didn't see her," which he knows is a LIE. And Murphy lays some venomous homespun wisdom on our hero:

YESSS!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! FUCK THIS MOVIE HAS SOME AWESOME SHIT!!! FUCKKK!!!

I'm sorry, I got a little excited. Baker goes back to his room and finds Noni reading one of his short stories. Lemme recap: Hot ass mid-nineties Winona Ryder is in a teen boy's room, wearing his clothes and reading a story he wrote. As soon as she accepts his proteiny genetic material into her intestinal tract this transaction will be complete. SO GOOD.

The way he deadpans that last line had me in stitches for hours. At this point people might still think I'm kidding or being sarcastic or something, but I ain't. I love some of the parts of this movie. It's like a movie made for me. So don't watch it. It's not meant for you. You shouldn't even be reading this. Fuck off.

She tells Baker her real name's Patty. He says he knows, and that he knew he'd be kicked out of school.

This is great. She doesn't care, she's just hiding out a little, but to him this is the best day of his life. This is the best thing that's ever happened. She says she's gotta take off, but she asks him if he wants to come with her. To look for her horse. It takes very little to twist his arm.

So Baker and Winona are driving around, until he finally says come on, we're not gonna find your horse. This is a waste of time. Then he spots a fair, and she asks him if he wants to go. He says he really can't. He has to get back to school, and maybe he should just drop her off at home. She goes distant, staring out the window, so he sighs and says, "So what do they have, like rides and stuff?" YEAH! Another one! If I ever write a line half that good, that line will still be two times better.

They go to the fair and proceed to get drunk. He's real drunk, but she's drunk enough to make doe eyes at him, getting him all hard and shit. He's at the fair with Winona, and she's drunk and flirting with him. That's so great. She's about to open up to him about her boring accident when she bumps into her old friend Fenton and his girlfriend.

Snap!

Why did I just write "snap"? That was gay.

Fenton then insinuates that Patty is a slut. Noni excuses herself and Baker (now Larry) takes off after her. Larry and Noni hop on the carousel, where she calls him Larry quite a lot, and they have big time tractor beam eyeballs. No real reason for their attraction, no real chemistry, just the tractor beams, but that's enough to draw them together, it's inevitable, it can't be stopped, they're pulled into a kiss, and I just came in my pants.

For that sweet tang, so would I. Then Baker and Noni make out all over the park. I feel like I am inside Baker's heart. I know exactly where he's at. And it's groovy.

They start making out real heavy in the grass out in the field outside the fair, and then mysteriously they're talking. This might be one of those rating-reducing cuts.

Baker tells Noni about his dad's ambitions for him, running his chain of businesses. He don't wanna do that. At some point in here I'm sure they fucked, but I dunno. Would she be that much of a slut? Sure she would, Mister Homer. Sure she would.

He's super moon eyed at this point, which I get, since he just stuck his dick into her sweet vagina. He wants to leave school and go live with her. He wonders what he's doing in school, when he could spend all day banging Noni. Man, I'm with you. I'M WITH YOU. I UNDERSTAND. GOD, DO I.

Then he goes to get them a beer, but not before one more kiss. Fuck you, Lukas Hass.

Fenton finds Noni in the field, where she hastilly pulls her pants on. Did they fuck? Why are her pants off? Did they get that far and then stop to talk about Larry's dad? I don't know. They better have fucked. I gotta find the short story this movie is based on, just to see if they fucked. She asks Fenton to drive her home, 'cause she wants to keep Larry out of all this trouble.

Baker, drunk as a lord, stops to call the school from a pay phone. Bitch boy Marco answers. Go get Cooke, you fucking little bitch. And he does.

Cooke says that everyone knows Baker is gone. He's in big trouble. They called his parents and everything. Then Baker's parents actually walk in, talking with the headmaster, and Baker says shit, put my dad on. Cooke is like what the fuck dude, that's crazy, but finally complies.

Baker tells his dad that he's out in the world on his own, and he's fine. His dad says things can be straightened out, so goddamnit sonny, get the fuck back here. But Baker says I ain't coming back, so fuck you. And tell mom happy birthday.

He goes back to the field, but Noni's gone. He's really bummed, and jerks off. That's a cut scene. Then he sleeps in the field until the harsh light of morning, and wakes up to find that he's rolled into his own semen during the night.

At that point he realizes that it's done. He walks to his dad's place, poignancy in the air, and he and his dad argue. After Dad slaps him, he goes to school. So much like my own life...

Then during a spanish quiz he gets in a fight with his enemy-friends about his hot slut. They're annoyed that he wouldn't let them have a ride on her, and he kicks one desk, then throws Phillips over another, and desks are getting fucked up left right and center. After that he's done with school for good. The spanish teacher is a real dick too, I might add. Fucking teachers. But on his way out Baker gets word from the lunch lady that there's a chick waiting for him at the cafeteria.

Noni came back for him! How great is that? Why is Winona hanging with this guy? No reason! What explanation is there? Almost none! This is boyhood fantasy come true. It's golden. Man, I love this movie! He's obviously giddy with excitement as he sits down across from her, instantly hard again.

She calls him Larry and he says the defining line of the movie: "My name's not Larry. It's John." Or it would be defining, if we really cared at all about this guy and his paper-thin identity crisis. She gives him her empathy face, then her sad face, and he's starting to get annoyed with her, but damn is she hot. Let's be honest, she could leave him in a thousand fields for a thousand days in a row and he'd still put up with it, just for the chance to shoot some DNA at her.

She takes Baker by the penis and leads him to the place where her car crashed into a river two nights before, and they call the cops. This time when she calls him Larry, he doesn't correct her. Probably he didn't notice, because he was staring at her tits. Then her tractor beam eyes catch him, and his tractor beam eyes lock onto her, and it's nearly impossible to yank them apart as the tow guys pull the car from the lake and the cops drag them to the station.

Back at the station Baker and Winona's families are there. How lame is that? The 25 year old femme fatale with her family. At this point all the positive potential of this film is gone, and it ain't coming back. It's about as exciting as a male Realdoll fucking another male Realdoll. Which, come to think of it, is something I'd like to see. Nobody's really in trouble, and both families meet in the police station hallway while waiting for an elevator. Just then the two scamps catch each other's eyes and pull each other into the crowded elevator! Then they race to the school car that Cooke had waiting for them and drive away! Wow! That's crazy! And for the final shot of them driving off into the sunset, there's a side view of them driving behind a small hill. Zippity doo da. And whatever the song is that's playing sucks too.

So the movie kind of leaves you hanging, but there's no need for a sequel. The thing is only 86 minutes anyway, so they really should have appended ten minutes of Lukas and Noni fucking like rabbits, while Cooke watched from the sidelines, too wide-eyed and sweaty to even touch himself. Then Lukas could realize that Noni is some crazy bitch who's obviously way more wacked out than she seems because she's running away from nothing in particular with a high school kid. Not that he'd ever leave her, even though she probably fucks horses.

So what was the point of writing this? So that you'd go out and rent Boys? Fuck no. There's almost no chance that you'd actually like it. The real reason is because I can't jerk off at work, and I've gotta expend some energy. There's this girl from the movie theatre who came into the shop today in her street clothes, and man was she hot. I never woulda guessed it in her work uniform, but she's got the biggest set of tits you've ever seen there, dingleberry. They were crammed into this little tube top. Holy mackerel. So that's why I wrote this. As a somewhat indirect way to talk about tits.

Why did you read it? Fuck if I know. Goddamn waste of time, you ask me.